Pulse Stable, Patient Is Breathing

Tis the season to be busy, it seems. With a million things to do just to make sure that one stays alive and kicking with zero down time, what is a gal to do? In case you’re wondering, this is a short list of things that have happened since I last posted:

-Took my sick cat to the vet. Pancreatitis. $400.
-Cleaned apartment(and washed my sheets about 5 times) this week because Princess Shittybottoms and her disease have taken over my home.
-Handed out about 15 resumes around town and swallowed my very salty pride as I also applied at *chain* restaurants. I feel unclean.
-Finished my Christmas shopping and about half of my Christmas creating(ie: for those of you not on my expensive list)
-Wrote four new recipes that I’m DYING to try out. Oh the foot-tapping going on right now in anticipation of Christmas feasting, I tells ya!
-Finally, finally wrapped up my last lab before exam week starts. I can not WAIT until next semester. Chocolate shall bow to me, oh yes.

So I can’t possibly be held responsible for the lack of posting and picture-taking, can I? Really now. In addition to the list, here are a few things I’ve done in class that I’m only just now pulling off of my phone, and a few from some outings dating back as far as August, I believe.

Let it be known that I have an active hatred for the above mocha cake. Nothing to do with it’s difficulty but rather it’s ease and plainness.

Lemon meringue pie, circa September 2008. *yawn*

Ugly Yule log. May I just state, for the record, that I was FORCED into using those hideous meringue mushrooms, FORCED into making it shaped as such, and DENIED a cute little enchanted forest fairy and was instead pacified with the option of a butterfly. Which I mangled. Not my best work by any stretch. Que sera, sera.

We were asked to make a large occasion cake for the school’s athletic association and so our chef told us to each make a piece of sporting equipment. My sense of humor being what it is, I made a jock strap. It was immediately repurposed into a football helmet after I got The Look. Some folks are just so uptight, amirite?

This is the famous finger injury I incurred while making that wedding cake a few months ago. Le ouch!

From one of my patio adventures with the wonderful Mister Josh, in a place where cheese sticks are called Cheese Rockets and onion rings are called Glory Hoops. *Ahem*

And yesterday’s chocolate-on-chocolate busy work. I actually love doing this because she allows us complete decorative control.

Theory class has never looked so dapper! Mmmyes, quite.

Not much else to report yet; there will be a post about chili in the near future and I bring you promises of Christmas candies aplenty. Other than that, have a happy Friday and try not to get eaten by bears.

Current earmeats: “In Da Ayer” by Flo-Rida. I have never been so ashamed of liking a song as much in my entire life but it’s so catchy, dagnabbit!

Why Yes, I Am Alive.

We appreciate your concern. I’ve pretty much been out of town for the last two weeks so it goes without saying that I’m a little lacking in the food-making department. In lieu of actually making anything at home, I’m going to throw out some pictures of what I’ve been doing in class over the last two weeks because it’s pretty much all I’ve done.

So there. I’ve baked. I came, I saw, I decorated.

I’ll be finally getting around to cleaning my kitchen this week (rejoice!) so I’ll soon have fun and exciting things to report on. I’m planning a few things that I can’t wait to try out and when I do, you will all be the firsts to hear about it. Promise.

Currently listening to: 36 Crazy Fists. Research this pronto; your hardcore soul depends upon it.

Also: planning new apartment decor but need funds for said. Going to scour antique stores in Toronto for more medical antiques and militaria. If anyone knows where I can find an early 1900s leather and metal prosthetic arm, hook a sista up. WANT.

Thanksgiving Comes Early In Canada, and Late On My Site.

Yep, there I go apologizing again. I should really just stop promising anything and then everyone would be happier, no? Well, sigh a sigh and let’s do carry on, shall we?

T.G.I.Fall, everyone. I was beginning to drown in ennui with the summer so much so that it was only a matter of time before I got so restless that spray-painting the leaves with fall colors was starting to sound like a good idea. Fall is my favorite time of year, by far. Take all of your long summer nights, your days at the beach, your ice cream and snow cones, you can have them! Give me a crisp autumn day with the crunch of dead leaves at my feet, a big scarf and some fingerless mittens, a braise of squashes and root vegetables and you’ll have one mighty happy lil’ tattooed girl.

What I love most about fall, like any true fan of food, is, well, the food. I wait impatiently for half a year every year to taste the fruits of of the fall, and as a large fan of vegetables and pastries, this is a most painful wait. So when I’m asked to create something with one of these most tasty fall fares, I am agog with excitement. This thanksgiving, I was charged with the duty of The Pie. Squee! And how I do love to make pumpkin pie, let me tell you. We had made a few in class the week before(oh, did I forget to mention that I’m now studying to become a pastry chef? We are much happier now that chef training is done, folks. Much. Happier.) but I didn’t like the recipe, and that’s fine, but I chose not to document it. I like my pies a certain way: rich and boozy, and the pies that we made at school just weren’t up to my standards. But I digress.

I think I’ve yammered on enough for now about pretty much nothing, so I’ll just get to it and give you the recipe for MY pumpkin pie, and in my very biased opinion, the better one. Ahem.

Bunny’s Boozy Pumpkin Pie
Serves 8 comfortably, 12 gingerly.

2 cups of pure pumpkin puree
3/4 cup dark brown sugar
3 eggs
3 tbsp fancy molasses
1 tbsp cinnamon, or more. It won’t kill you.*
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/3 tsp cloves
1/3 tsp ginger
3 tbsp(one airplane bottle) orange liquer
1 cup 35% cream

One pie crust shell, uncooked.

*that I’m aware of…

Whisk together pumpkin, brown sugar and molasses. Whisk in the eggs one at a time. Add spices and liquer. Whisk in cream. Pour into your pie shell and cook at 400 degrees for ten minutes, then drop down to 350 for 20-30 minutes, or until the middle of the pie just barely jiggles when you move it, and the crust is golden brown.

Serve with spiced sweet whipped cream, if you bought more than was recommended. Buy the 500 ml carton, it’s better with whipped cream. Honest. Whip one cup of cream with 1/2 cup or less confectioner’s sugar(to your taste) and spice with cinnamon to taste. Tah dah!

In other news: I have fallen ill! NOOOO! It’s true, I’m afraid, I have become victim to The Sick and am taking it like a wimp. Also: my kitchen never ceases to be dirty though I haven’t been cooking very much in my own home. Strange. Will investigate this further.

Earmeats: Rancid, and the general chatter of coffee shop patrons.

Banana Caramel Sauce

It occurs to me that if I am to remain sans internet, I will spend every week apologizing to you all from my connection at school. This shall not stand! As of sometime this week(fingers crossed), I will officially become a slave to Big Internet, suck it up and buy some. As I live and breathe, my mission in life was to get by without having to pay for it, be it by loitering in coffee shops, at school, or wherever there was a “Free WiFi” sign, but no more. I heave a sigh of defeat.

On a sweeter note, I am pleased to present you with a recipe for banana caramel sauce. I made this at my father’s on the same weekend in which I made the butter tarts of yore, but this recipe got swept aside in lieu of the wedding cake post. Here I go apologizing again. Without further preamble, do let’s begin.

Banana Caramel Sauce
Adapted from MarthaStewart.com

1/2 cup sugar
2 tbsp butter
1/4 cup cream
1 banana, sliced

Melt sugar in a saucepan over medium heat with one tablespoon of water. Brush down sides of pot as needed with water. When sugar is a light amber color, stir in butter. Once incorporated, stir in cream off of the heat. Mixture will bubble up a bit, but be not afraid, this is normal. When you have a beautiful, creamy caramel sauce, stir in bananas until sauce coats them. Serve over ice cream, cake, whatever.

In other news: math class continues to be a patronizing waste of 3000$. Awesome.

Currently feasting my ears on: Every Time I Die in one ear and my math teacher in the other, though my heart really isn’t concerned with the latter.

Who’s Afraid of the Big White Cake?

Not me. Oh no, not I. The wedding cake is finished, folks. Done. Over. Gone. 50 lbs of batter, 30 lbs of icing, 20 lbs of marshmallow fondant, and a 20kg bag of icing sugar that I’m sure will last me the rest of my life all went into the construction of this most glorious of cakes. I’m so high on my own sense of accomplishment right now, you have no idea. If you see me walking around for the next week with dazed eyes and a silly little grin on my face, I assure you it’s not love, it’s my ego.

This is my big bowl of batter. It’s a double recipe, and it fills one, I repeat, ONE 16″ base layer cake pan. One. Singular. You have no idea how many times I had to make this recipe in one day. Not having an industrial-sized kitchen is really starting to take it’s toll on me. My oven does not support the baking of two pans at the same time, so I had to do these individually, each layer, washing the pans in between, as well as mixing the bowls of batter PER PAN, washing in between, and so on. I did every layer on one Saturday and boy howdy was I ever one sore kitten. My 20-year-old hand mixer decided to finally mutiny on me, so I had to mix the entire(ENTIRE) cake by hand. Let me just say that one more time for the people in the back row: I mixed a four-tier, two layer wedding cake completely BY HAND. That’s right.

I am so thankful that that particular Saturday was cold outside. After running my oven all day at 350 degrees without reprise, if it had been a summer wedding, I might have had to charge them an extra 50 bucks just for having to suffer in the heat. But it wasn’t, so it’s all good.

Have you ever had your entire freezer occupied with eight layers worth of cake? Let me just say, it’s both awesome and horrible. Awesome in that how many times in your life are you allowed to pack your entire freezer with dessert?; and horrible because unless you have a second freezer, have fun storing the rest of your food for a week. As someone who often cooks a big stew pot worth of chili or bolognese sauce or curry and then freezes it to eat throughout the week, this was a particular pain in my proverbial ass. I am admittedly lazy, and having to make something fresh every day in a chaotic kitchen was just far more than I was able to handle. Let me just say that I ate a lot of cereal.

I’m sorry but I am missing a lot of pictures from the making of this cake. I really wanted to document the whole thing and was even toying with the idea of a little animation, but the week that I needed to start the cake I started pastry school. Waking up at 6am every day and being on your feet until ten at night doesn’t really make you want to do any more work than is absolutely necessary. What you’re missing is a huge bowl full of vanilla buttercream icing, three 7lb bricks of marshmallow fondant, four tiers of iced, stacked and fondant covered vanilla cake, and a whole countertop’s worth of black and pink decorations. It all came together as such:

Now, I’ve got to admit that the whole procedure up until the actual day of the wedding was relatively stress-free for me. I had zero freakouts, not once did I question whether or not I was ready for such an endeavor, and never even broke down crying even once. Which is a lot more than I can say about some of the smaller, less important cakes I’ve made. On the day of the wedding, I woke up early. I had to roll out the black dots so they could be glued on at the wedding and I’m really glad I gave myself the extra time because I ran out of black fondant and had to tint a new batch. I’m so happy that I chose not to sleep in that extra hour. I was a little late getting to the hotel, spent 15 minutes fighting with a vending machine, and then ran downstairs to finish the cake. I had to glue on the base ribbons, polka dots and pink bows at the venue, as well as dowel and stack the thing. I seriously finished gluing on the last bow just as people were entering for the wedding, and had about four minutes to clean up the bar I was working on, change into my fancy-girl clothes, and rush into the wedding about two minutes before the ceremony started. Who’s a rock star? Hmm?

I really had a whole different post in mind when I was envisioning writing this a week ago. I was going to give helpful hints to anyone who’s undertaking something like this for the first time, give out recipes and scaling help, and a fondant tutorial, but honestly, I’m taking a break for now. This week has been so crazy for me, my kitchen is still in shambles, and I’m writing this at school because it’s the only place I can get an internet connection at the moment. Please don’t ask too much of me. Though I assure you that this isn’t going to me my last wedding cake, and I have a few people that I need to bake present cakes for in the near future, so I’ll reserve my help for those posts. For the moment, I’m just going to take this week to sit back, relax, focus on school, and keep gawking at the picture of my very first wedding cake while saying to myself, “I did that. Wow. I can do anything!”

Currently listening to: Bad Religion

Also: if anyone feels like being my new best friend and wants to come over and clean my kitchen, I’d love you forever. I can pay you in appreciation.

Nevermind Curling; Butter Tarts Are A Canadian Institution.

In America, there are no such things as butter tarts. You might get close with a pecan hand pie, but they don’t even come close. These are no mere shrunken pecan pies. A flaky pastry crust holds in a gooey, sweet, buttery filling that oozes out and explodes on your tongue with pure pastry ecstasy. Please don’t just take my word for it, make these ASAP. NOW. Immediately, as in THIS SECOND. GO!

I hope pie crust isn’t something that gives you people the fear. After all these years of public exposure and tutorials on the Food Network, on blogs, in magazines, it pains me to hear that some people are still afraid of making their own crusts. It is SO easy, and I would never lie to you. Especially about something as serious as pie crust. Honest injun.

I’m not going to tell you how to make crust, but I will give you the recipe at the end of this post. If you don’t already know how to make a successful crust, Google it. I will say, though, that I love making mini pies of any kind. They are just so fun to make. I’m not quite sure what it is, but I’m fascinated by making any kind of individual dessert, especially in miniature.

Butter tarts are no exception; pushing little rounds of pastry into muffin tins and smoothing them out like perfect little pies just fills me with glee. GLEE! Really. But enough about me, because this show is really all about the filling.

It couldn’t be easier to make. The hardest thing you have to do is melt butter. F’reals. Everything just gets whisked together and you pour it into your cute little pastry cups, like such:

If you want to throw in some walnuts, pecans, or raisins, put them in the cups first, otherwise they’ll just float on top and no one wants that. Remember to soak your raisins in hot water though to plump them up so they don’t taste like little tumors. Or you can just leave them plain, to experience the awesomeness of the butter tart experience in all of it’s ooey, gooey glory. Yup yup.

Action shot! Because they’ll disappear just as fast as you made them. Please heed my warning though– you WILL become addicted to these, they WILL cause you to up a dress size, and you WON’T be able to stop making them because everyone that tastes one will demand more, more, more! Print several copies of this recipe and keep it with you at all times as you will most definitely get tired of writing it out every time someone demands it. Yeeeeeooooooo! Recipe to follow.

Butter Tarts
Makes 12

Crust

1 lb lard
5 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp salt
1 tbsp vinegar, in a 1cup measure, and fill with cold water

Cut lard into flour and salt until it resembles small peas. You can use two knives for this, or a pastry cutter. Add water and vinegar preparation, mixing with a spoon or by hand. Once almost combined, turn it on to a floured counter top and work it until it comes together smoothly. Separate dough into two masses, and form them into 1 inch thick discs. Wrap them in cling wrap and refrigerate for an hour.

Filling

1/2 cup butter, melted
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup corn syrup
2 eggs
pinch of salt

Whisk all ingredients together. Just like that. Tah dah!

Heat oven to 375.
Roll out pastry crust to about 1/4 inch thickness. With a large circular cutter, cut them into 12 rounds. You might have to roll them thinner just to get them to fill the muffin tins up to the edges, but that’s just fine. I do it, it’s cool. With a shot glass, press the rounds into muffin cups and flatten out any of the overlapping crust so that you have a smooth wall. Rinse and repeat.
If making butter tarts with nuts or raisins, use about one teaspoon of whatever you’re using and put them in the pastry now. Once that’s done, pour the filling into the cups.
Bake for 20-30 minutes, or until the crust is baked and the filling only jiggles slightly when you shake the trays. I highly recommend putting your muffin tins on a baking sheet as the filling tends to bubble up and spill over. Unless you like cleaning your oven, then go ahead and put them in as they are.
Hard as it may be, wait until they are absolutely cool before eating. Not only is this for your safety, but the filling will not set properly until it is cooled off. If you do not heed this warning, the filling will be too loose and will drip down your face, onto your pants, and you’ll look like a kindergarten kid. Just trust me, m’kay?

In other news: It took me three weeks to write this post. Not “I made them three weeks ago and now my lazy ass got around to telling you about it” three weeks, but more like “I started this post three weeks ago at a cafe but the internet crapped out on me so I’ve had to keep my computer on so I wouldn’t lose my work until I could get to another connection” three weeks. Which didn’t even matter anyways, because when I finally DID get a connection(at the college, thank science), I tried to save the post just in case something happened, and the damn thing ERASED it on me. So I had to start all over again. Lesson of the day: BACK. SHIT. UP. OFFLINE.

Also: Wedding cake status: Baked. I now have 50lbs of vanilla cake in my freezer, patiently waiting for Thursday, when I will cover it with icing. I am very proud of this.

Current earmeats: NERD.

Cupcakes and Apologies

It’s been quite a long few weeks for me. I’ve been busy(WHAT!?), I got a new job, and my upstairs neighbor moved and took my stolen internet with him. Now I either have to suck it up and pay for the stuff or continue to use the free wireless connection at the coffee shop downtown. Life is so hard. But in that time of doing nothing and everything, I did manage to bake a sample batch of cupcakes as a tasting point for the wedding cake I’ll be making in September. So life is sweet, too.

My instructions from the bride were, almost exactly as follows: “I want a vanilla cake with vanilla icing. It needs to be so sweet it will rot your teeth on the first bite.” This is exactly what I delivered. Now personally, I’m not much of a fan of vanilla-on-vanilla cupcakes. I find them bland and boring. When presented with a choice, I will almost always go for the lonely group of cupcakes that everyone is afraid to taste because the flavor combinations seem too strange for human consumption. This usually pays off for me, as what may not sound like a good idea on paper winds up being something that pays off HUGE on the tongue, with some rare exceptions too horrendous to mention.

Well, these are the vanilla cupcakes to love. Some might find this a little hard to believe, but as a rule, I’m not much of a fan of cupcakes. For the most part, I find them incredibly dry and difficult to swallow. I’m more of a cake fan, because even the most arid of cakes can be corrected with a generous brushing of cleverly flavored simple syrup and a most heaping slathering of decadent icing. These though, I didn’t mind. I’m more of a fan of this recipe in cake form, but as cupcakes they were inoffensive and delicious. Stay tuned in just short of a month, wherein I will be documenting my forays in wedding cakery, but for now, I’ll hook you up with the cupcake recipe, as I’m sure you’re all dying to sink a greedy tooth into one. Your dentist will love me.

Vanilla Cupcakes
Makes 12
1 1/2 cups cake flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup butter
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
3/4 cup buttermilk

Preheat oven to 350 degrees, and grease up your muffin tins.
Cream together softened butter and sugar. One at a time, add the eggs, making sure they are well incorporated after each addition. Sift together flour, baking powder and salt. Stir vanilla into buttermilk. Alternating flour and buttermilk mixtures, add them to butter mixture. It should go flour, milk, flour, milk, flour, milk. ALWAYS end with milk, people. IMPERATIVE. Bake for 30-40 minutes.
Vanilla Icing

1/4 c butter
2 c powdered sugar
1/4 tsp salt
2 tbsp milk
1 tsp vanilla

Combine butter, powdered sugar, salt and vanilla. Add milk as needed to thin to spreadable consistency. Tint to your liking, or not at all. Slather on cupcakes, or wherever you need a little more butter and sugar in your life.

In other news: my kitchen hasn’t been cleaned in three weeks. I am not even the least bit concerned by this.

Currently listening to: Batmobile.

Icing A Cake In the Devil’s Kitchen

As I promised, I am now pleased to present you with my tale of strawberry cake. If it was novel, it would probably be called “The Strawberry Cake Catastrophe.” This was quite possibly one of the most incredibly problematic endeavors to date, but true to fashion I managed to turn it around with maximum wreckage of my kitchen and only minor damages to my pride.

It started off innocently enough. Just a pint of unassuming organic strawberries. The kitchen window was open and I was [hopefully]annoying my downstairs neighbor with Amy Winehouse playing on my stereo. The cats were doing cat things and not investigating what was going on on the counter(for once), and the future was looking fresh and full of sweet possibility.

At this point, the mess in my kitchen was minor. Just the things I was using were laying around and there were a few glops of batter and buttermilk on the counter but it wasn’t anything too overwhelming. Let me take a minute here though to tell you about those strawberries. If you are one of the unfortunate souls that has yet to try an organic summer strawberry I suggest you make it of the highest priority. They are only a dollar extra than generic strawberries and they don’t taste like red foam. If you want an approximation of their superiority, let me tell you that in all seriousness they almost brought me to tears they were so good, and I actually scavenged the cut tops for any edible portion I could find like some kind of shameless hobo in my own house. Remember when you were younger and everything tasted so… different? This is where your flavors have been all along and right under your frugal nose, instead of hidden behind a blanket of pesticides and genetic engineering. But enough about that; this post is about cake after all!

With the berries safely folded into the cake batter, so began my two hours of relaxation whilst they baked away. Well, maybe more like one hour and forty-five minutes rather, since I only have one eight-inch springform and have to swap it out for new batter if I’m making a layer cake. It’s a minor inconvenience, but at least it’s one less dish. Yeah, well, this “minor inconvenience” was the beginning of a tumultuous roll downhill and a very long and agonizing climb back to the top. I have no pictures of the catastrophic part of this misadventure as I was far too busy scrambling about the kitchen trying to salvage the numerous things that went wrong. Frankly, the carnage is far too graphic and disturbing to subject human eyes to, but I will list the battles fought and casualties lost. Just humor me.

The Tragic Misjudgment of Angles-In which our brave General Cupcake blazed forth to conquer the enemy but was defeated by underestimating the power of the lowlands. Next time shall attack from higher ground and jerry-rig some form of cake stand rather than my inferior(and awkwardly low, actually) counter tops. Casualties: four unlevel cake layers and the General’s ego in matters of horizontal slicing.

The Jellyfrost Incident- In which the General, freshly wounded from battle but not discouraged, tackles the guerrillas from both Camp Strawberry Jam and Camp Strawberry Buttercream in a diplomatic attempt to unite the two. Unfortunately the ramifications of the Tragic Misjudgment of Angles were unaccounted for and after a long and arduous battle the General did succeed in uniting the two opposing camps in a fragile cease-fire. However there was still much propaganda to be distributed to assure the rebels that Angles had been rectified so our General marched on, weary from a battle barely won but optimistic nonetheless. Casualties: none.

The Buttercream War- The longest, hardest and most fatiguing of all was the Buttercream War. After what was a shaky accord at best with the two guerrilla camps trying to coexist on their ravaged homeland, a mission of complete unity and democracy was enthusiastically set in to motion. Perhaps it was General Cupcake’s zeal in attempting to all at once solve the perplexity of the tenuous relations of her enemies by binding them together and to also salvage some of her own pride that caused an all-out war in the land of Strawberrycakeistan. The lethal combination of weapons too strong for her control, battle fatigue and impatient fervor caused the General to agree to a full-on Buttercream Blitz. The weapon was too strong, foreign and applied with far too much pressure for the people of Strawberrycakeistan to understand that an all-out riot erupted, causing the entire top of the country to split in half. Frazzled and frightened, the General did the first thing she could think of and closed the borders of the entire country, sealing it shut with a metal wall until it resolved it’s own issues. Casualties: the entire kitchen cavalry, the Dishwater Ocean, and the General’s patience.

As you can all see, things are once again all well in the world of cake. For those of you with less vivid imaginations than myself, basically what happened was: I couldn’t cut the cake in half properly because I am too tall for my counters. This presented problems when the time came for gluing them together, and especially when it came to covering the cake. I actually had to clamp the springform ring around the whole thing, ICED, and shove it into the fridge for an hour-long time out to think about what it had done. I made a new batch of icing, because of some kind or serendipity I actually had over purchased and had enough for another batch, so I re-frosted the entire thing. With much more success as you can see. This, thankfully, concluded my troubles but has taught me that trying to frost a cake in 30 degree humidity, in an apartment still recovering from the effects of an oven being on for two hours, with unlevel cake layers, wins me the “You Sure Aren’t Some Kind Of Stephen Hawking” award. Best to be eaten with a slice of humble pie, I’m sure. Moving on…

So begins the decorative part of our program. Though my hand mixer was struggling in its old age to keep up with my demands(it’s probably older than I am, I learned how to bake cakes with that thing when I was seven!), it grumpily made one more batch of icing, royal icing to be exact. Much to my surprise, piping the cake in the Devil’s Kitchen wasn’t at all difficult. I assumed that the heat would have fought against my attempts to defy gravity and pipe on the vertical side of the cake, ending in far worse tragedy than I could ever imagine but it just wasn’t so, people. I drew up a template of the flourish that I wanted to cover with to serve as a visual aid and went to town. It turned out almost as well as I had hoped. I would have preferred the cake to have been higher to allow for a smaller line, but at that point we weren’t about to nitpick.

I was going to document my forays into gumpaste, but honestly, I do it often enough and could provide far better demonstrations with more ornate decorations at another time, so this is what you get for now. I did these the night before while watching old musicals and drinking the iced tea and it was great. Now, this is what i do before i shove them into a cake, and what i recommend that anyone else do as well. I arrange them in a way in which i would like to see them on a cake and take a picture of it. That way, you don’t lose your arrangement and can refer to the picture if you don’t remember where you wanted a particular piece to go. Call it organized, call it anal, call it what you want, but I’m going to call it a solid plan.

And that would be that! All that was left was to shove the stems into the cake and pipe the accents on to the strawberries and the topper…

Ready for it?

There you are, my friend Mel’s birthday cake. Calamities aside, it turned out alright if I may say so myself. Apparently my icing penmanship leaves something to be desired, but I can live with that today. I’ve emerged from this quite humbled actually. I love decorating cakes and rarely have disasters that I can’t recover from, but today I am thankful for my disasters. If everything went smoothly all the time, how would we ever learn? Because of these events, I’ve learned that not all cakes are best to be worked with completely fresh, jam and buttercream can indeed be coaxed into friendship if you’re persistent enough, and always keep your pointy cake toppers away from your cats lest you want them to gnaw off the fragile shards(which I now have to somehow repair). Recipe to follow.

Strawberry Cake

3 cups all purpose flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1 cup salted butter, room temperature
2 cups sugar
5 large eggs
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups buttermilk

1 pint strawberries, medium dice
2 tbsp flour

With an electric mixer or stand mixer, whip butter until light and fluffy at medium speed, about 5 minutes. Gradually add the sugar in about 6 additions, and then add each egg one at a time until incorporated.
Sift together flour and baking powder and alternate with with buttermilk and vanilla until blended.
Toss strawberries in 2 tbsp of flour and add to mixture. (The flour assures that the strawberries will adhere to the batter and will incorporate more easily.) Fold the strawberries into the batter.
Pour mixture into two 8″ cake pans and bake for 40-55 minutes at 350, or until a skewer inserted in the middle comes out clean.
Cool cakes on a wire rack. I suggest wrapping them thrice in saran and freezing them for at least half a day to sturdy them up before finishing them. I will be doing this next time, as well as investing in a tall, tall cake stand.

Icing and filling

1/2 cup salted butter, softened
1/2 cup strawberry preserves(mash them through a sieve if you don’t want the seeds appearing in your icing)
4 cups confectioner’s sugar
2 tsp vanilla extract
Milk, for thinning, if needed

1/2 cup strawberry preserves

On medium speed, whip butter until fluffy. Whip in 1/2 cup strawberry preserves. Gradually add confectioner’s sugar until desired consistency is reached. Thin with milk if you find the icing too thick.

Cut each cake in half horizontally. Microwave 1/2 cup strawberry preserves until spreadable and with a pastry brush(or a spoon, I’m sure it will also work). Spread a thin amount of frosting on the bottom layer of the cake(and when I say thin, I MEAN IT. Unless you make twice the icing, in which case go nuts.) Brush some preserves on to the layer that will crown the bottom layer and place it on so that the side with the preserves is on the frosted layer. Do this with the other layers until you reach the top. Cover your cake with remaining frosting. Decorate as you wish, in a much cooler kitchen than mine, I hope.

For extra strawberry power, I would also suggest using another pint of strawberries, cutting them into slices, and putting them between the layers of cake. Strawberry kawaii!

The Gift of Meat and Whiskey: Father’s Day, Redux

What do men like more than meat and liquor? Possibly, a combination thereof; perfectly tender and falling off the bone, crystallized and charred sugars of whiskey and coke on spare ribs that create juicy, perfect magic. Yes, that’s right, the Jack and Coke ribs were even better in reality than I had imagined they would be. Another gold star, please. It’s more often my strange ideas and combinations that lend themselves the best to tasty actualization. Smokey, sweet, and just a little spicy, it was better than I ever dreamed.

To pair with these ribs of the gods, potato salad was decided on. Now, let me just say that potato salad shouldn’t be one of those fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of dishes. You need at least a day to make a potato salad masterpiece. Otherwise, it just ends up wet. I’m sure there are people out there that are just that into mayonnaise that a potato and mayonnaise soup sounds like a trip to paradise, but I am not those people. I am, however, the kind of person that is optimistic to a fault in the kitchen, believing that somehow, by the sheer will of my mind that the dressing will absorb into potato salad in 18 hours less than required. Unfortunately, I do not possess those kind of super powers, cool as they would be. Soupy or not, it was still a hit and everyone liked it, but I’m reserving my judgment for lunchtime tomorrow.

For dessert, there was S’more pie. Always an advocate of dessert, I can never say that I’m going to cook you dinner without having the dessert steal the show. It’s just unavoidable, sorry. I was re-reminded of this recipe after a post on one of the food blogs I frequent and decided that I would finally take a shot at it. I kinda forgot to write the real recipe down so I just threw caution to the wind and hoped for the best. Two things happened. 1- I guessed on the chocolate layer and succeeded(the graham layer is a no-brainer, I’ve got graham crust permanently etched into my brain) and 2- I guessed on the marshmallow and kinda failed. I had a feeling that it wouldn’t go over well on the marshmallow though. Pops doesn’t own a meat or candy thermometer, and as it is incredibly, almost impossibly difficult to tell the temperature of sugar by sight, it was doomed from the start. Luckily there was a rogue jar of marshmallow fluff in the cabinet so I cheated and poured it on top instead. It worked, but it just wasn’t the same.

There was also grilled corn. All in all, it was a swell father’s day dinner, even though it was a day late. I am armed with new resolve to actually conquer the reading of sugar temperatures with my eyes. Once achieved, I shall be unstoppable, and desserts shall bow before me, trembling in fear of my candy-making prowess. Recipes to follow.

Jack and Coke Ribs
Makes one rack of spare ribs

2 cans Coca Cola, NOT diet. Imperative.
1/4 cup Jack Daniels, or similar bourbon whiskey.
1 cup cherry preserves
1 tbsp worchestershire sauce
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 tsp cumin
2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp chili powder
salt and pepper, to taste

In a medium saucepan, empty two room-temperature cans of cola and whisk until no longer effervescent. On medium heat, reduce cola to one can. Add Jack Daniels, cherry preserves, sauces and spices, and reduce by half, or until thick enough to brush on ribs. I recommend cutting each rib individually, brushing with the sauce, and wrapping in foil to slowly roast in a 250 degree oven for at least two hours before grilling. It marries the flavors of the pork and the sauce, and creates juicy, tender, fall off the bone goodness. When done in the oven, grill until caramelized, brushing with any remaining sauce. It may take longer, but trust me, it’s worth it. Blast some Creedence while you cook, it adds to the flavor. MAGIC!

Unless anyone is truly interested in my potato salad recipe, I will not post it unless requested.

S’more Pie
Serves 6

1 1/2 cups graham crumbs
1/3 cup sugar
2/3 cup melted butter

Combine all ingredients and press into a pie shell. Bake at 350 for 10-15 min.

8 squares Baker’s semi-sweet chocolate
1 cup 35% cream
1 tsp vanilla
1 egg yolk

Chop chocolate finely and set aside. Heat cream and vanilla and pour over chocolate. Let it sit for 2 min, then whisk together until chocolate is melted. Whisk in egg yolk. Pour into graham crust and bake at 350 for 20 minutes, or until it just barely jiggles. It will firm up once it cools.

2 jars marshmallow fluff, or two cups of made-by-your-damn-self marshmallow

Pour marshmallow fluff over chilled pie. Take a blowtorch to it until you get a golden-brown reminder of your childhood, or throw it under the broiler at 500 degrees, if you’re a pansy. If using the broiler, wrap the crust edge with tinfoil to avoid sinful crust-charring.

My Zen Jiggles, Does Yours?

There’s just something about panna cotta that I can’t say no to. Especially in the summer. Even more so if it is tea-infused. I came up with this recipe a while ago and haven’t made it since then, but I’m beginning to think that it’s time. A delicate blend of Asian-inspired flavors, this one is just something that you have to experience for yourself. Honestly it’s the most relaxing dessert I have ever eaten. The perfect ending to a light summer lunch, the exact opposite of the Chinese takeaway that I myself had. I can never refuse the spicy shrimp, it’s my weakness.

Jasmine Green Tea Panna Cotta

30 g gelatin powder
450 ml buttermilk
450 ml 35% cream
450 ml whole milk
230 ml clover honey
35 g loose jasmine green tea

Soften gelatin in a small amount of water.
Place buttermilk, cream, milk and honey into a medium saucepan.
Put tea into a tea ball or tie into a cheesecloth sachet and place into pot.

Bring cream to a simmer, whisking occasionally. When tea flavor has been infused sufficiently, remove tea ball.Stir in gelatin.
Chill mixture before molding, until it’s fridge temperature. Give it a good stir to make sure that any gelatin that may have settled at the bottom becomes reincorporated. As you might tell from the photo above, if you forget this step, the gelatin settles at the bottom of the mold, and is not nearly as attractive.
Pour into greased molds and chill for 4 hours.

Lemongrass-honey sauce

125 ml white wine
80 ml water
250 ml clover honey
1 stalk lemongrass, trimmed and chopped into thirds.
100 g anjou pear parisienne. (about 2 pears)

Gently beat lemongrass pieces with the back of your knife to release the flavours.
Place lemongrass, wine, water and honey in a small saucepan and simmer.
Remove lemongrass once flavors have been imparted.
Poach pears in the syrup, remove pears.
Reduce syrup by 1/2.

Fried crepes

5 cooked crepes
confectioner’s sugar

Cut crepes into strips and deep fry until golden, turning if needed.
Dust with powdered sugar.

In other news: there was a cheese omlette, spicy shrimp and noodles, and a possible slurpee in my future. I promise to be more entertaining come Monday, when I audition an idea for Jack and Coke ribs. Fingers crossed that it plays out as well in reality as it does in my mind. I will need a lot of CCR for this. Wish me luck!